by Ken Tuccio

Nothing annoys me more than people who can’t act like civilized human beings in the movie theater.

Whether it’s people being obnoxious in the lobby, disgusting in the bathroom, or annoying in the theater; it seems that society’s norms for public decency don’t apply when you’re looking to watch a movie. It’s gotten to the point where I believe members of the public need guidelines, a list of things that they can and cannot do while attending the movies.

In that vein, I’ve assembled this list of 40 Rules for Proper Movie Theater Etiquette.

These are 40 actions that regularly annoy movie patrons, and cause ones overall theater enjoyment to be hindered. By following these 40 rules you’ll ensure that the people around you will be able to enjoy the movie they paid $10 to see …

RULE #1 : NO CONVERSATIONS OF ANY TYPE DURING THE MOVIE

I don’t care if you think Anna Farris looks hot in her short little skirts in The House Bunny, wait until after the credits to spew your verbal ejaculation. I don't want to hear you fawning over a movie star while I'm trying to pay attention to the plot; no matter how ridiculous that plot is.

RULE #2 : NO USING YOUR CELL PHONE AT ALL DURING THE MOVIE

This is not limited to verbal conversation, it includes text messaging your friends. I don’t want to be distracted by a little white screen during a pivotal scene because you feel the need to tell your girlfriend, “OMG THIS MOVIE OWNS !!!”.

RULE #3 : DON’T HECKLE THE MOVIE

The actors on the screen can’t hear you, and even if they could they’d probably agree with the rest of the theater in thinking that you’re not funny. Just don't waste your breath.

RULE #4 : DON’T SIT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE IF THERE ARE ALOT OF OPEN SEATS

Common sense. If there’s only 2 people in the theater, and open seats everywhere, there’s no need to take the seats in front of the only 2 ticket buying patrons this showing has.

RULE #5 : BE QUIET WHILE SNACKING

It’s not that difficult to eat a bag of popcorn without making a boatload of noise. Really, it is.

RULE #6 : DON’T CONSTANTLY ASK QUESTIONS

I understand that movies like Memento or Donnie Darko may be difficult to follow, but there's no need to ask a question every 5 minutes. Also, some movies just don't warrant plot-related questions. I mean, if you can’t follow the plot of The Rocker, I don’t think cinema is the thing for you.

RULE #7 : DON’T CRITIQUE PREVIEWS

I don’t care if you think that new Jim Carrey comedy looked funny, nor do I care if you’re a fan of Tyler Perry. Just sit there and shut up.

RULE #8 : RESPECT THY NEIGHBORS ARMREST

I may look like a good cuddler, but if you must sit next to me during the movie I kindly ask that you not constantly nudge my arm. Unless you’re my date, in which case go ahead.

RULE #9 : DON’T SAVE SEATS

Common courtesy. If a theater is packed, and the movie is about to start, your friends should have gotten there on time. Simply throwing your coat over a row does not make it your territory, so don't give me a dirty look when I toss your Members Only jacket to the ground and plant my ass in "your" seats.

RULE #10 : DON’T KICK THE SEAT IN FRONT OF YOU

How would you like it if I pretended to be David Beckham and treated your seat like a soccer ball for 90 minutes straight? I'm guessing you'd find it annoying. Well, I find it annoying as well. If I wanted to get kneed in the back all night I’d pay for a crappy massage.

RULE #11 : NO FLATUANCE

I don’t believe I actually have to list this, but I do. Farting in a movie theater is disgusting. Actually, farting anytime you're in public is disgusting.

RULE #12 : BE A PARENT

If you insist on bringing a 3 year old with you to The Dark Knight, make sure they shut the hell up, and if they won’t shut up then take them outside so the rest of us can marvel at how awesome Heath Ledger is.

RULE #13 : DON’T CONSTANTLY GET UP IF SEATED IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROW

Listen, I get that you may have to get up during a movie, I do. Going to the concession stand or bathroom once is fine, but don’t do it every 10 minutes, that’s just rude and annoying. Plus, it makes me move my legs, and I go to a movie so I don't have to exert any effort.

RULE #14 : NO MAKING OUT UNLESS YOU’RE IN THE BACK ROW

I don’t want to see two horny 14 year olds sucking face while I’m trying to watch Pineapple Express. If I wanted to see that, I’d buy tickets to a Jonas Brothers concert.

RULE #15 : NO OBNOXIOUS LAUGHING

Yes, some things are funny, but keep your laughs under control for Christ’s sake. Far too many people in society nowadays sound like Fran Drescher when they chuckle. Their high pitched chuckles make me want to stab someone.

RULE #16 : DON’T SPILL YOUR DRINK

Nothing pisses me off more than some asshole who spills his Dr. Pepper all over the floor in the middle of the movie. Not only is it distracting, but it makes a mess. Plus, by the end of the movie the floor's all sticky, and I hate it when my Nikes stick to the floor.

RULE #17 : IF YOU’VE SEEN THE MOVIE ALREADY, SHUT THE HELL UP

Don’t make comments like, “This part’s good”, or “This part’s funny”, I don’t care about your opinion and will figure out what I find entertaining on my own.

RULE #18 : DON’T BRING A FREAKING LASER POINTER

This is not 1995. Laser pointers are not cool anymore, and whether they were ever cool is open to debate. It's simple, don’t bring one and shine it on the screen like you’re some sort of bad ass. You're not a bad ass, you're just an asshole with a red dot at his disposal.

RULE #19 : WHEN LEAVING THE THEATER, WALK BRISKLY

Don’t hold up the entire line because you take 5 minutes to walk down steps. Put one shoe in front of the other and get your ass out of the theater.

RULE #20 : DON’T PUT YOUR FEET UP

I don’t care if there’s no one in the seat in front of you, that seat it’s not an ottoman. If you can’t last 90 minutes without extending your legs, consult a doctor.

RULE #21 : COVER YOUR MOUTH IF YOU COUGH OR SNEEZE

This rule should be for all aspects of society. In the theater nothing annoys me more than getting a wad of flem on the back of my neck because you couldn’t put your hand in front of your mouth. It’s probably the only thing that could be worse than seeing Strange Wilderness in theaters.

RULE #22 : PRIOR TO THE MOVIE, KEEP YOUR VOLUME DOWN

Yes, before the movie starts you can talk, but make sure I can’t hear it. I don’t care what you’re doing for dinner after the movie, nor do I care that your friend is pregnant. When talking before the movie, keep your volume down so that I don’t have to listen to what you have to say.

RULE #23 : LEARN TO USE THE AUTOMATED TICKET COUNTER

I know technology can be scary, but using the automatic ticket counter is not that hard. Press a few buttons, swipe your card, grab your tickets, and it’s over. When trying to use this futuristic device, some people act as if they’re Robert Langdon trying to figure out the secret code to open the cryptex. If you can’t manage to print out your own tickets, go to the freaking counter and the pimple-faced 16 year old kid will help you.

RULE #24 : DON’T ASK ME WHAT I THOUGHT WHEN LEAVING

Believe it or not, I don’t want to talk to you if I don’t know you, so I kindly ask that you not ask for my opinion while exiting the theater. You’ll probably be greeted with a sarcastic comment that will ruin your day.

RULE #25 : DON’T TAKE FOREVER TO FIND A SEAT

When walking into the theater, don’t take forever to figure out where you’re going to sit. It's a movie theater not Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, there's no need to spend 10 minutes finding the "perfect spot". Just pick a row and sit down already.

RULE #26 : DON’T TAKE PICTURES DURING THE MOVIE

Yes, you have a camera phone. Yes, it takes video. Yes, I’m sure you want to be the coolest guy on YouTube because you uploaded a blurry scene from Mamma Mia, but it’s annoying to everyone around you, so refrain from doing it.

RULE #27 : DON’T SPEW YOUR CINEMA KNOWLEDGE

I don’t care if you recognize someone from another role, and I don’t care if you’re familiar with a director’s previous work. If I want that sort of information, I’ll do a Google search. I don’t need you narrating the history of film to me.

RULE #28 : IF YOU’RE AN ADULT, DON’T SIT IN FRONT OF A CHILD

Once again, common courtesy. The 8 year old probably wants to see Wall-E a lot more than you, so don’t consciously sit directly in front of him if it's at all avoidable. The kid would much rather watch a cute robot than the back of your balding head.

RULE #29 : IF YOU INSIST ON GETTING DRUNK/STONED PRIOR TO THE MOVIE, STAY QUIET

A lot of people get drunk or stoned before a movie, I’ve done it, but don’t announce it to everyone. I’m sure Journey To The Center of the Earth 3D is a lot cooler while baked, but I don’t need you mentioning that throughout the entire movie.

RULE #30 : DON’T THROW THINGS

Yes, hitting an old guy in the back of the head with Junior Mints is funny, but it’s also rude and annoying, so refrain from doing it.

RULE #31 : DON’T SNEAK IN AN ENTIRE MEAL

I’ve snuck in candy before. Heck, I’ve snuck in McDonalds cheeseburgers before, but don’t sneak in an entire meal from KFC or some other restaurant. It’s almost impossible to eat an entire Crispy Strip meal without affecting those around you, so just don’t do it.

RULE #32 : NO OBNOXIOUS APPLAUSE AFTER THE MOVIE

Yes, The Dark Knight was awesome, but I hate to tell you that Christopher Nolan isn’t in the theater with you. He’s not going to hear your applause, and quite frankly I don’t think he’d care even if he did. This isn’t Yankee Stadium, Heath Ledger isn’t going to do a curtain call after the movie; especially now, since he’s dead.

RULE #33 : DON’T TAKE PICTURES NEXT TO THEATER DISPLAYS

While I’m sure a picture of you standing next to the Zac Effron cardboard cutout from the High School Musical 3 display would make a great Facebook photo, you look like a fool while doing it. It’s like going into Costco and taking a photo next to the shopping carts.

RULE #34 : DON’T BE RUDE TO THE GUY SELLING SNACKS

Yes, it’s annoying to be asked if you’d like to upgrade to a large for 10 cents more, but that’s his job. Don’t be rude to the guy. Trust me, he hates asking you alot more than you hate being asked.

RULE # 36 : IF YOU SNUCK IN, DON’T BRAG ABOUT IT

I’ve been in many theaters where some teenagers snuck in without paying. That doesn’t bother me, what bothers me is when they brag about it until the movie starts. Don’t make me feel like a shmuck because I paid for The X-Files : I Want To Believe, I’ll feel like one myself after I actually watch the movie and realize what I paid for.

RULE # 37 : DON’T BUY SWEDISH FISH

This is a personal rule, because I think Swedish Fish suck.

RULE #38 : USE THE BUFFER ZONE

If two guys go to the movies together, and they both prefer the company of women, a one seat buffer zone is needed. In some situations you cannot use the buffer zone, but if it's available it must be utilized.

RULE #39 : DON’T CUT PEOPLE IN THE TICKET LINE

This is another rule that falls under common courtesy, just because you can easily sneak around the velvet rope and cut 10 people in line to buy your tickets doesn’t mean you should. It’s just rude.

RULE #40 : TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU’D WANT TO BE TREATED

This is the golden rule for life in general. Remember, everyone in the theater paid to watch the movie. There’s no reason to ruin it for someone else, just to be funny. You wouldn’t appreciate it, and trust me, other people don’t either.