by Ken Tuccio

I have the same routine every time I walk into the movie theater; I’ll buy my tickets, grab a soda and possibly some candy ( depending on my mood ), and then make my way into the theater so I can sit down and wait for the show to start.

The time while waiting for a movie to start is by far the worst, because with the exception of talking to whomever you went to the show with, there’s not much else that you can do.

Theaters don’t provide a whole lot of entertainment prior to the movies. A lot of theaters loop the same trivia questions over and over again, which I don't really find all that interesting. Call me crazy, but I get annoyed when I’m constantly asked which actor starred in the 2003 movie S1M0NE, because it reminds me of how bad that movie was.

Sure, some theaters are now providing some sort of pre-show, with previews of upcoming movies or extended commercials for TV shows. That kind of stuff doesn’t entertain me though, as I have no interest in watching a 10 minute feature on the TNT drama Saving Grace.

Don’t get me wrong, Holly Hunter’s hot in her own way, but I don’t know of anyone who watches that show; and if I did, I don’t think I’d want to associate with them

The other thing I find myself doing when waiting for the movie to start is looking around at the different people entering the theater, and constantly hoping that they don’t take a seat next to mine.

I’m not a horribly unfriendly person, but I prefer watching my movies with a little leg and arm room. I’m sure the heavyset dude rocking the cut off Orange County Choppers shirt is a real nice guy, but I’d like to spend the next hour and a half of my life one full seat away from him.

I also find myself getting annoyed at the conversations people around me have, because I’ve found that once someone enters a movie theater, they suddenly believe their the heir to the throne of Roger Ebert. As soon as people take their seat, they see fit to discuss every movie they’ve seen in the past twelve years. When I’m waiting for the movie to start, I have no interest in hearing what the guy behind me has to say about Jurassic Park 3, and I also don’t care that his wife thought Notting Hill was a touching romantic comedy.

I mean, she’s right, but I just don’t want to hear it.

After a while though , the movie inevitably starts, but prior to the movie starting I’m made to feel like a terrible person; I say that because I’m put through the process of watching commercials for The Jimmy Fund.

There’s nothing more depressing than watching these heart-wrenching commercials The Jimmy Fund throws together.

Normally these commercials consist of images of cancer-ridden children, kids who are going through a hell I never want to imagine. These images are accompanied by some solemn, depressing, piano solo. It’s easily the most depressing use of music since Mr. Holland’s Opus.

This commercial is always narrated by someone that sounds like Morgan Freeman, but it’s never actually him. I’m sure this is a guy who’s made quite a living by being blessed with a voice that sounds eerily like a successful black actor; much more success than the dude who sounds like David Allen Grier.

After the commercial ends, the lights come up a little bit, and we’re greeted by a theater employee.

No matter which theater I go to, this employee always looks the same. He’s always somewhat overweight and sadly unkempt. He’s always wearing a red vest with a black bow tie, a fashion statement that Tucker Carlson wouldn’t even don.

This dude is always holding a rusted out coffee can, with some printed out version of the logo for The Jimmy Fund pasted onto the front of it, and once the commercial ends he’ll raise the can over his head, and in a voice that resembles Peter in that episode of The Brady Bunch where his voice changed, he’ll say, “Would anyone like to make a donation to The Jimmy Fund?”.

It’s at this point that I’ll creep down in my seat, because as much as I feel bad for these kids who The Jimmy Fund supports, I never donate.

It’s not that I can’t afford it, I just never do.

Trust me, I feel terrible about this.

So there I sit, cramped down in my seat, feeling bad about not giving The Jimmy Fund that crumpled up single I have in my pocket, and then my feelings of guilt are multiplied when some douchebag three rows in front of me drops a $20 bill in the coffee can.

I call this guy a douchebag because he’s not donating the $20 in an attempt to aid the kids with cancer, he’s doing it as a way to impress whatever chick he’s with at the time. This dude thinks that sticking a $20 bill in a Chock Full of Nuts can is foreplay. He thinks that as soon as he and his lady get home, she’s going to be ripping off his pants screaming, “I love guys who are philanthropic.”.

Every guy knows that chicks don’t do that, trust me I’ve tried.

This dude makes every other guy in the theater look bad. Whatever women we’re with give us a dirty look, because we aren't throwing change into a rusted out can with coffee grinds on the bottom.

Personally, if that guy does happen to get laid at the end of the night, I hope he can’t get it up. I hope, due to his philanthropic endeavors, he suffers from a worse bout of impotence than Abraham Lincoln had when he was trying to screw Mary Todd.

In my version of history, Abraham Lincoln was a sub-par lover.

Anyways, pretty soon the guy with the coffee can makes his way out of the theater, the lights go dim, and the movie I overpaid for hits the big screen. For an hour and a half it’s socially acceptable for me to sit in a room filled with people and not talk to a soul.

That’s why movies rock.