by Ken Tuccio

I would not even remotely consider myself a religious person; actually, if someone had asked me what my religious beliefs were, I’d probably say, “I don’t know”. That being said, even as a Non-Religious individual, I couldn’t pass up purchasing this My Bible : Old & New Testament Coloring Book …

This coloring and activity book is meant to get children excited about religion by giving them the opportunity to deface Jesus with purple crayons.

One of the main reasons I purchased this coloring book was because the image of Jesus looks psychotic …

His pupils are dilated, his mouth seems to be slobbering saliva, and he's got a creepier smile than the guys on Dateline: To Catch A Predator.

Seriously, this Jesus looks like he wants to touch more than children's hearts.

I'm saying he looks like a pedophile, in case you didn't follow that.

Anyways, with this being a religious coloring book, it’s obvious that it’s going to be very pro-Christian beliefs, which is horribly evident with the first pages, which describe in pictures the Christian thoughts on the creation of the universe …

Yes kids, don’t worry about those ridiculous facts about evolution, or those stupid studies of Charles Darwin; simply close your eyes and accept the "fact" that everything just happened.

Oh, and by the way, Eve was apparently an amputee and Adam didn’t have nipples …

This coloring book covers all of the different biblical stories that we’ve been told over out lifetime, like the story of Noah’s Ark …

… which I believe was literature’s first foray into animal sex.

They also talk about Moses and the Ten Commandments …

As well as the religious re-interpretation of Wrestlemania III, also known as the story of David and Goliath …

Apparently, in the coloring book, the part of David is being played by the youngest brother from Hanson …

This coloring book is also filled with countless activities, meant to challenge the minds of religious youth in puzzle filled ways; such as this challenge where kids are challenged to decide where Samson gets his power …

My choice is the puppy, because in my version of religion Samson is a huge canine lover and he draws his strength from a healthy game of fetch with an exuberant dog named Rover.

Seriously, religion would be more interesting if it had more dogs named Rover.

Anyhoo, this coloring and activity book is rather complete in terms of religious canon, as it covers almost every major story from the Old and New Testament. You get all the tales I mentioned before, as well as the stories of Jonah and the Whale, the story of Abraham, and the grand finale; the crucifixion of Jesus Christ …

Personally, even a Non-Religious person such as myself can find great joy in using crayons to make the crucifixion of Jesus Christ look like a scene from Yo Gabba Gabba …

You’ve gotta’ admit, the crucifixion would have been much more upbeat if it were done on a teal colored cross.

I guess if you’re a parent who is looking to raise your kids with a proper Christian upbringing, this coloring book is probably a great way to do so; it keeps your kids busy while teaching them the stories of the bible.

For those of you who don’t want to raise your kids with stories about guys who live in the stomach of sea creatures, or tales of old men who build giant boats in order to save a bunch of animals from a flood, think of this as less of a religious themed book and more of an excuse for your kids to make jokes at the image of David staring up at Goliath’s crotch …

They didn’t call him a giant for nothing.