by Ken Tuccio

Chocolate milk is a classic drink. Kids love it, parents love it, and kids who accidentally become parents love it.

The simplicity of the drink is what makes it desirable by the masses. It’s a simple concept; take milk, insert chocolate syrup, stir. However, it amazes me how many people make chocolate milk the wrong way.

I know what you’re thinking, “There’s a wrong way to make chocolate milk?” Yes, yes there is, and the fact that your inner voice asked that question is all the more reason why I feel the need to instruct the masses as to how to properly make the delicious drink we call chocolate milk.

First, you’ll need the supplies …

That picture shows you all of the necessary materials to make milk that tastes like it came straight from a chocolate cow.

Of course, you have the milk …

I don’t use skim milk, 2% milk, or any of that soy crap; when I want liquid that comes from the udder of a cow, I want the least healthy version I can find, so I go with a real mans milk, whole milk.

This milk comes directly from Stop & Shop, a supermarket chain in the Northeast that I assume has cows roaming freely in the back of their store. I say that because they claim their milk is the freshest available.

Stop & Shop milk is also pasteurized and homogenized, and while I don’t know what that means, I’ll assume its dairy lingo for, “kicks a lot of ass.”

Next, you have the chocolate syrup …

I always choose Hershey’s Syrup over Nesquik. I do this for two reasons.

Reason one, I don’t trust the Nesquik bunny. He always has a devious look on his face, and I’m confident that he’d swipe my wallet the first chance he gets.

Reason two, the Hershey’s bottle is black, and I support Affirmative Action.

You then have the glass and spoon …

These are necessities; because if you try and drink chocolate milk off a plate, people look at you like you’re a moron.

Finally, you have a Heidenreich figure …

This is a personal preference, because I’ve always found that chocolate milk tastes better when mixed with the aid of an obscure WWE action figure.

Now that you’ve got all the materials, the first thing you want to do is pour the milk into the glass …

As you can see, I left room at the top of the glass. This was purposely done to prevent spillage.

Far too many chocolate milk novices seem to think that they can fill the glass to the tippity-top and stir without spilling any milk. Those kids are inexperienced, and they pay for their mistakes by spilling the precious milk.

While the old adage states spilling milk is nothing to cry over, I've found that it is something you can make fun of others for. That being said, if you ever find yourself in the presence of someone who spills milk, tell them their Mom’s a whore.

The next step is to put the chocolate syrup in with the milk …

The common question people ask me on the street is, “Do you have the time?”, but when people ask me questions about making chocolate milk, the most common query I get is, “How do I know when I have enough syrup in?”

I’m about to divulge a Tuccio family chocolate milk making secret, so feel privelaged.

When you’re putting chocolate syrup into the chocolate milk, sing the theme song from The Muppet Show in your head. When you get to the line, “It’s time to raise the curtains on The Muppet Show tonight”, you’ve probably got enough syrup in there.

I’d recommend against doing this in public, as I’ve found people give you an odd glare when you sing The Muppet Show theme while mixing a chocolate beverage, and if they’re Fraggle Rock fans, they may call the cops on you.

After the milk and the syrup are brought together like Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack in Serendipity ( a great movie that nobody ever talks about when discussing romantic comedies ), the next step is to take the spoon and stir …

You’re going to want to stir in a counter-clockwise motion, unless you’re in Australia, in which case the coriolis effect will prevent you from doing so.

How long you stir is a personal preference, as it all depends on how full of chocolate flavor you want your chocolate milk to be. Personally, I like my chocolate milk to be very chocolaty, so I stir until the milk is a nice Halle Berry color.

The final result is this …

In a matter of minutes you have a drink that compliments even the driest chocolate cake, like the ones you buy from Entenmann’s, because their cakes suck.

If you did everything right, you should have created the perfect glass of chocolate milk. A glass worthy of making your parents, friends, and even Heidenreich proud …

If you can mix a drink that Heidenreich approves of, you’ve got some mad skills.