by Ken Tuccio

You know who seems like a cool guy?

Jesus.

No, this isn’t some religious article with me preaching beliefs to you, I'm the last person who'd do that. I’m speaking of Jesus' coolness in the simplest sense of the word. In short, Jesus Christ seems like a cool dude to hang out with.

I’m basing this on a few factors.

First off, the way the dude looks.

To me, Jesus looks more like the guy who’d sell me pot at a Dave Matthews Band concert than anyone I’d worship as a Lord and Savior. In every photo I’ve seen of Jesus he looks as chill as chill can get. He’s always wearing a white cloth robe; a fashion statement that tells the world, “I’m in style, but I also like to be comfortable.”.

Jesus was always rocking some long, hippy-esque, earthy/crunchy beard on his chin; making him look like Bethlehem’s answer to John Lennon, and honestly, who didn't like John Lennon?

Well, I guess Mark David Chapman.

Anyways, The other awesome thing about Jesus is that he can do magic tricks.

Do you have any idea how awesome it would be to have the ability to do the magic tricks Jesus Christ does?

In short, it would fucking rock.

I’m not talking about some of Jesus' lame-ass tricks, like making the blind see or curing lepers. Don’t get me wrong, if I had the chance to give someone the gift of sight, or aid them in getting silky-smooth skin, I’d do it in a heartbeat; but the magic tricks of Jesus’ that I’d want are the ones that would aid me in my everyday life.

Take turning water into wine as an example.

I’m not a big wine drinker, but I’ll be the first to admit that the idea of running my faucet and turning my apartment into a vineyard is insanely appealing. My apartment would smell great, I'd be drunk all the time, and I'd save a shitload of money. I mean, think of the financial benefits of being able to make your own booze with a touch of your pinky.

Say, for example, you’re having a bunch of people over for a party. If you go to the package store and buy booze, you might end up spending over $100. To some of you, that may seem like a drop in the bucket, but to most people that’s a hefty expense.

Imagine the money you’d save if you could simply fill your bathtub up with water, stick your finger in it, say “Abrah Cadabrah” ( or whatever it is Jesus said when impressing people ), and magically have enough booze for the whole party.

People would be getting wasted free of charge, and you’d be the coolest guy on the planet.

You may think that’s an inappropriate way to use such a gift, but you need to read your scripture, because that’s exactly what Jesus did. Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding in Cana, because Jesus knew that people at weddings like to get trashed, so he did what he could to oblige. I’m sure soon after he did, Jesus was getting funky on the dance floor doing the Electric Slide.

You can read about Jesus’ dancing exploits in The Gospel According To Awesome.

Another cool trick would be the ability to walk on water.

Seriously, how fucking sweet would that be?

You might think walking on water is impractical, because how often are you in a situation where you need the ability to glide across H20?

The fact is, there are many practical uses for such a skill.

Let’s say you’re at the pool at The Hard Rock in Las Vegas. It’s pretty well known that The Hard Rock pool houses some of the most beautiful women on the West Coast. If you're in the mood to ogle at girls you probably don't have a shot in hell with, that's the place to go.

Let’s say you’re lounging on a chair in The Hard Rock and you see a chick on the other side of the pool. This girl's inanely gorgeous, and you desperately want to meet her. You obviously want to make a good first impression; you want to wow her.

You find yourself with two options. You could either take the long way, and walk around the pool and make your way to talk to her like every other random Joe; but that's not going to peak her interest. Then you have the other option, you could impress the fuck out of her by moonwalking across the deep end.

Seriously, which option would you choose?

I’ll tell you what I’d do; I’d walk on fucking water.

I’d impress that chick with every step I took. I’d take step after step over the top of that pool faster than you can say "stigmata".

I'd interrupt a game of Marco Polo, kick some little kid in the face, and step on the head of that fat chick who always does calisthenics in the deep end. I’d make my way over to her, say hello, and she’d immediately be wowed by the fact that I just walked on water to meet her.

She’d be so blown away, I’d be virtually guaranteed to get laid; because honestly, if I can’t get laid after walking on water, I don’t deserve to be straight.

A lot of you may think saying this sort of stuff is blasphemous, but I respectfully disagree.

I’d like to think Jesus is the type of dude who’d want to party, I think he'd like to have a good time. He strikes me as the type of dude who’d voluntarily be my wingman at the club, or watch out for cops as I smoked a joint in the car. Jesus probably likes watching Jurassic Park because of the witty humor of Jeff Goldblum, and he also probably hates Vanilla Sky, because it’s a stupid fucking movie.

You’d probably be able to call Jesus if you needed to be picked up at 3am, and you’d also be able to borrow a few bucks from him if you were short on cash and desperately wanted McDonalds.

Jesus would cover for you if you cheated on your girlfriend, buy you a lapdance at the strip club, and back you up if you got into a fight.

At the end of the day, Jesus strikes me as the kind of guy you could rely on, because honestly, have you ever met a dude who wears sandals all the time that you couldn’t trust?

I didn’t think so.