by Ken Tuccio

I swear to God, checkout lines in supermarkets are where I waste the most money.

The other day I went to the supermarket at around 10pm. I normally don’t make 10pm visits to the grocery store, but I realized rather late that I was out of orange juice. Since I like to start my mornings off with a nice glass of OJ, I decided to make the trip.

I quickly grabbed my orange juice, and I also grabbed a carton of strawberry/orange/banana juice for good measure; I like my fridge to have a wide variety of juices. I’m standing in line, waiting to check out, when my eyes catch hold of the coolest looking candy box art I’ve ever seen …

I swear, as soon as I saw that box art I thought I had accidentally slipped a pill of ecstasy, as those are some of the trippiest cartoon images I have ever seen in a supermarket checkout line.

As soon as I saw the brightly colored goat, the bright green dog, the fluorescent blue monkey, and the glowing orange cat, I knew whatever they were had to be mine. I grabbed all four boxes, purchased them, and when I got home I realized what they were.

These are called Krystal Roks.

While that sounds eerily like a type of drug you can only get in Jamaica, these are actually Pure Cane Sugar Candy, or for those of you who like less descriptive names; Rock Candy.

This candy is from a company named Dryden & Palmer, based out of Branford, CT, and while I know absolutely nothing about their company, I will assume they do business out of a VW bus while wearing tye-dyed shirts and sandals, as the box art alone makes me believe this candy had to have been produced by hippies who regularly smoke "the dope".

I’ve never been the world’s biggest fan of rock candy, I don’t really know why, but I never fell in love with it. My Grandfather loved it though, I know that much. Whenever my family and I used to make trips to Cape Cod during the summer in my youth, we’d always bring home bags of taffy and rock candy for my Grandfather, as he always loved it.

I haven’t tried rock candy in atleast a decade, and unless someone slipped something in my drink during Spring Break 2001, I’ve never had anything called Krystal Roks. As such, I’m kinda’ looking forward to giving these a try.

There are four different flavors of Krystal Roks : Big Blue Raspberry, Very Cherry, Wild Ape Grape, and Yellin’ Watermelon. All of which would have made ideal names for bands during the late 70’s.

I opted to try the Very Cherry first, as I’m a big fan of things that are cherry, and I just can’t say no to a dog with that sort of smile …

When I opened up the box, I was amazed at how cool the candy looked …

I don’t think that picture will do the bright glow of this candy justice, as it glows a fluorescent neon pink that any 9 year old girl would want to put on a string and wear as a necklace. It’s seriously awesome looking.

As awesome as it looks, I was curious as to how it tasted, so I popped in a few Roks. They were pretty much exactly what I thought they’d be, sugary candy with a hint of cherry taste. It brought me back to those days in my childhood when I disliked rock candy, and I feel nostalgic when I say that nothing has changed since then.

The next flavor on the chopping block is Wild Ape Grape, because it’s the closest to my arm as I type this …

I will give Krystal Roks this; they damn sure look shiny. Once again, the picture isn’t doing the bright color of this candy justice. It’s a bright purple that is currently burning my eyes with its glow.

As for the taste, it was more of the same. I liked the Wild Ape Grape more than the Very Cherry, as the grape had more flavor to it; but once again it did nothing to wow me.

I plugged my ears, as the Yellin’ Watermelon was next, and if the cat on the box is any indication, this flavor is going to cause me to stick my tongue out in a festive manner …

When I took a look at the candy itself, I almost grabbed my phone and gave Mulder and Scully a call …

… because that neon green hue looks like it belongs in the X-Files.

Honestly, I’m afraid to taste this, as it might turn me into an extraterrestrial creature, but for the sake of science, I’ll give it a go.

The Yellin’ Watermelon was by far my favorite thus far. It tasted like Jolly Ranchers candy, only smaller and crunchier. After trying three of the flavors, Yellin’ Watermelon is thus far the only flavor I can see myself eating an entire box of.

Maybe Big Blue Raspberry will take the crown though. I wouldn’t be surprised if it did, as the goat on the box looks like he just smoked some good shit …

The color of the Big Blue Raspberry isn’t as impressive …

… but would that meant the taste would be ten times as kick-ass?

Nope.

Big Blue Raspberry fell in the same mediocre candy segment as the Wild Ape Grape and Very Cherry, leaving Yellin’ Watermelon atop the mountain to claim the title of “Rock Candy That Ken Tuccio Doesn’t Hate As Much As The Others”.

It’s got a catchy ring to it.

Personally, I knew going in I wasn’t going to like the candy. I’ve never liked rock candy, so I was naïve to assume that cute cartoon characters on a box were going to change that. However, if you like rock candy, you’d probably totally dig Krystal Roks, so give them a try if you see them at the supermarket.

If my Grandfather were still around, I’m sure he’d love them, because the only thing he loved more than rock candy was stoner goats.