by Ken Tuccio

I was rummaging through a bunch of junk in the corner of my closet the other day, and I randomly came across this …

This is the Long Elegant Legs Summer 2008 Catalog.

I have absolutely no idea why I have this in my possession, because up until now I had no idea what Long Elegant Legs was, but based off the tagline on the catalog it seems to be “The Authority on Fit … for the Tall Woman.” …

Seeing that I’m not tall, and also not a woman, I don’t believe this catalog is going to be providing me with anything that I'd want to add to my wardrobe, but since I have it in my possession I see no reason not to flip through it and mock what I find on the internet.

Isn’t that what everyone does with random mail order catalogs?

This catalog seems to sell a wide array of outfits for tall, middle aged, women. The models run the gamut, as they include women who could best be described as MILF’s …

Trendy minorities …

As well as chicks who look like Lois Einhorn from Ace Ventura …

Remember, laces out.

Since I’m not a tall individual who regularly shops for women’s clothes, I have no idea how difficult it is to find outfits that fit. However, I find it hard to believe that women have to resort to paying shipping and handling fees when purchasing tops like this, which look like something that is readily available at their local Kohls …

Maybe clothes that are modeled in print by short and sassy redheads are more appealing to middle aged women, in which case I think Bob Backlund is missing out on a wonderful modeling career.

This catalog has pictures of chicks modeling everything from velour sweat suits …

To shoes …

They even have women who seem to do calisthenics while modeling sleepwear …

Regardless of the posing capability of these models, this catalog provides me with nothing that I’d ever remotely be intrigued to buy, as I very rarely find myself in the market for high waisted jeans …

Personally, I don’t think I have the ass for those.

Luckily, I have a website to mock this catalog on, so for me it served some semblance of a purpose, but to most guys this catalog would serve as nothing but masturbation material.

Well, actually, it would be masturbation material if you’re the kind of guy who gets off to middle aged chicks who show off absolutely no skin.

Honestly though, if that’s your thing, you’re better off stalking women at your local Fashion Bug.