by Ken Tuccio

There’s a Walgreens right down the street from my apartment.

I don’t frequent Walgreens often, but when I do it’s normally to make some type of beverage purchase.

I’ve found that Walgreens has a hefty supply of Gatorade, and they’re also the only place in my neighborhood that regularly stocks Arnold Palmer’s Half & Half Iced Tea/Lemonade; a beverage I regularly purchase, not because of the taste, but because I’m a huge advocate of purchasing beverages with senior citizens on the can ...

I had stopped into Walgreens late the other evening, as my fridge didn’t contain anything to quench my thirst. I walked into Walgreens, promptly picked up some Gatorade and 5 cans of Arnold Palmer, and made my way to the register.

I had no intention of making any other purchases, but then I saw this …

Giant Lollipop.

There aren't many candies that simply evoke happiness and joy, but the Giant Lollipop does. It’s such a pleasant treat.

You can’t help but smile when you see a Giant Lollipop. I’m convinced that even the most grizzly, tattooed, male stereotype biker could hold a Giant Lollipop and immediately look as if he just adopted a litter of puppies that gave birth to kittens while being cheered on by pandas.

Seriously, it’s that pleasing a treat.

This Giant Lollipop impressed me for a few reasons. First, it’s from a company called Confectionary Lane …

I assume Confectionary Lane is a brightly colored street in the suburbs. It’s probably nestled in a kind and gentle neighborhood that regularly has Christmas carolers during the holidays, and small children playing hopscotch outside on bright July afternoons.

Everyone is probably nice on Confectionary Lane, even the strangers, as I assume they give out these Giant Lollipops to every child that passes their way. Even the shadiest character in a grey van looks like a friend when he offers you a Giant Lollipop.

I also love the fact that the product packaging accurately transcribed the statement I uttered when I saw the Giant Lollipop, as I did audibly say, “WOW! ONLY $1” …

I was very animated when I saw the low price of the Giant Lollipop. When I saw the price was only a buck, I began doing flips in the air and hugging everyone around me.

In any other establishment I would have made a scene, but in Walgreens the other patrons assumed I was simply another customer hopped up on meth.

I love everything about this Giant Lollipop.

The Giant Lollipop is brightly colored, containing a virtual rainbow of hues …

This makes it the perfect summer treat, as it allows me to color coordinate my candy with my summer wardrobe.

I also love the massive size of the Giant Lollipop, as when an adjective like “giant” is used, the lollipop has to be huge. Trust me, this lollipop lives up to its name. Even CM Punk feels crushed underneath its massive rainbow frame …

But to further prove my first point, CM Punk does look rather pleasant, does he not?

Not only is this Giant Lollipop a feast for the eyes, it’s a treat for the taste buds as well. Every lick of the Giant Lollipop brings the licker’s tongue a joy that cannot be duplicated with any other candy.

With each lick, the rainbow of colors crash onto your tongues sensory organs. It brings the candy eater a pleasure that you normally have to pay for at unsavory establishments. Trust me, not even an Asian stripper named Iwo Gina can bring you this kind of pleasure, because most Asian strippers don’t come handheld on a stick.

I said most.

It’s obviously going to take me quite a while to finish this Giant Lollipop, but I’m fine with that. I’m going to savor every moment, because every lick fills me with bliss, and every flavor brings me to a land of jubilation.

The world is an easier place to live in when you’re eating a Giant Lollipop.

You should try it someday.