by Ken Tuccio

When I was younger, like many other young boys, I wanted to be some sort of crime fighting superhero.

The idea of having a secret identity, and being on call to fight crime when the situation presented itself, was horribly appealing to me.

I did what a lot of kids do at a very young age; I’d dress up like some of my favorite heroes and make believe that I was battling to save some evil crime syndicate from taking over my house. You see, I was of the belief that taking over my house was the first logical step any devious evil-doer took when they wanted to take over the world.

My favorite superheroes were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. While some might argue that the Ninja Turtles weren’t necessarily superheroes, I still saw them as such.

Almost everything about the Turtles was appealing to me. They were young, they used hip catch phrases, they ate pizza, they skateboarded, they lived in a sewer, and they hung out with a rat. Before my age reached double digits, a lifestyle like that seemed like something I’d be perfectly happy spending the rest of my life taking part in.

I used to pretend to be a Turtle all the time. I’d ruin many T-Shirts creating the little masks they wear out of the sleeves, I’d use a belt to tie one of my parents couch cushions to my back as a shell, and I’d make makeshift ninja weapons out of things we had lying around the house.

My personal favorite homemade ninja weapon was a pair of nunchucks I made out of two salt shakers and one of my Dad’s old ties.That thing did some damage. To this day I’m convinced that if I’m ever in a scuffle, and I have one of those bad boys on me, I’d be able to kick some heavy duty booty.

While walking around Target the other day I was brought back to those innocent days of pretending to be a teenage amphibian when I saw this in the toy section …

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Ninja Battle Gear.

They’ve now shortened the full name of the crime fighting team to TMNT, because kids love acronyms, but it’ll always be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to me.

As soon as I saw this I began reminiscing about the times I would fight crime in between commercials of Disney Afternoon, and a smile was brought to my face when I thought that kids nowadays may be doing the same thing.

I decided that I had to pick one of these sets up, because if the evil Shredder ever does attack, I want to be sure that I'm adequately prepared to not cut him any slack.

They had Ninja Battle Gear for all four turtles available at the store for $9.99 a pop. I didn’t want to shell out $40 on something aimed at kids 4 and up, so I opted to go with my favorite Turtle, Michaelangelo.

Mikey was always my favorite because he was so chill. While Leonardo was constantly being “the leader”, Donatello was out there being “the smart one”, and Raphael was walking around the park kicking puppies and throwing babies into fountains, Mikey would worry about pizza and skateboarding.

He was my kind of turtle, even though the idea of strolling through the park kicking puppies and throwing babies into fountains is still appealing to me to this day.

The Ninja Battle Gear is chock full of everything a potential Ninja would need to kick some Foot Clan booty.

Obviously, first and foremost, you had the Ninja Mask ...

The mask is the most important accessory for a potential Ninja, as it ensures that you can hide your identity from any evil-doer attempting to get in your way. Nobody can tell who you are with the mask on.

Case in point, look at this …

You see that picture and immediately think to yourself, “Oh, that’s a refreshing bottle of 7-Up. The Lemon Lime beverage that once had those entertaining commercials starring Orlando Jones.”

Now look …

Now you don’t know what you’re looking at.

The bottle is shrouded in mystery. You’re unaware that this masked lemon-lime beverage is planning to sneak up behind you, smack you in the back of the head, and cause you to fall to your knees in humiliating defeat. You’ll then shake your fist and turn into an evil overlord, vowing to destroy any carbonated beverage that gets in your way until you feel revenge has been served.

Hey, it could happen.

Next you have Michaelangelo’s signature weapon, the nunchucks …

Toy nunchucks have changed since I was a kid. When I was younger the toy nunchucks I played with were hard plastic with a thin foam covering. If I whacked my little brother in the head with the chucks there would almost definitely be a welt. These nunchucks are soft hollow rubber, similar to a dog toy, and would most definitely do no damage to any kid.

What’s the fun of having a toy version of a Ninja weapon if I can’t use it to hurt children?

The fact that these nunchucks are similar to a dog toy makes me want to go out and purchase a puppy, as I truly think with the right amount of time and dedication I could easily turn some mangy mut into the first Ninja puppy.

Oh, and don’t send me emails saying that Hong Kong Phooey was the first martial arts laden canine, because I don’t want to hear it. The puppy I’m yet to own would be able to kick Hong Kong Phooey’s behind all over town … period.

The Ninja Battle Gear comes with your own personal container of Mutating Ooze …

I don’t recall the Turtles ever carrying around a small container of Mutating Ooze, but then again I never checked out what was under their shells.

The Mutating Ooze would be a feature of the Ninja Battle Gear that my Mother would despise, as it makes the entire “pretend to be a turtle” thing a tad bit messy …

A young Ken Tuccio would definitely stain some furniture with that stuff. Actually, to be fair, a present day Ken Tuccio would probably stain furniture with that stuff too.

I’m not really sure what I’m going to do with the Mutating Ooze after I’m done with this article. I might keep it in the glove compartment of my Jeep, that way if I ever have my Jeep searched by cops ( again ), I could take part in the humorous conversation of explaining why a 20 something year old man has a small bottle of Mutating Ooze on him.

It’s those little conversations that make life worth living.

Next in the set is the Trusty Throwing Knife …

I’m not kidding, it’s actually billed as a "Trusty Throwing Knife" …

Apparently there’s an issue with throwing knives being trustworthy, so I guess that's why they highlight the "trusty" aspect of this knife.

I’ll be honest, it’s nice to know that my throwing knife is trusty. I no longer have to stay awake at night wondering if my throwing knife is out sleeping with that slutty sword, while his pregnant butter knife of a wife is sitting at home with their two sporks.

You can’t put a price on piece of mind.

Finally, you have the Twin Sure Fire Signature Shuriken …

Shuriken seems like a pretty random toy weapon to have in the set, since common folk don't really know what a shuriken is, because most people call them Ninja Stars. I guess they wanted to shy away from calling these weapons Ninja Stars because they didn’t want to confuse kids into thinking they were purchasing a Ninja Talent Show.

That was a stretch, I know.

These shuriken are obviously designed to not hurt anybody, as the edges are rounded off, making them look less like a ninja weapon and more like the rims Michaelangelo would have put on his Escalade if he were ever on Pimp My Ride.

I guess the photo of Michaelangelo on the shuriken is what makes these weapons “signature”. It’s a handy feature, as it helps steer clear of the confusion that villains often run into when an unidentified shuriken finds its way into their secret hideout. The photos eliminate the discussion as to who they need to swear revenge against.

In the end, I can truly say that this is a more than adequate playset for any kid who wants to spend their free time pretending to be a hero in a half-shell. You’ve got everything you need, and at a low price too.

$9.99 is a pretty reasonable tag, especially for a set that includes Mutating Ooze.

All I can do now is sit on my couch, grasp the nunchuck in my hand, and wait for Tokka and Rahzar to bust through my front door looking for a duel.

I’m not sure that they will, but if they do, I’ll be ready.

Turtle Power.