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"Dirty" Jalapeno Heat Potato Chips ... ( Originally Posted October 9th, 2006 )

by Ken Tuccio

I'I was in a deli Friday afternoon ordering lunch. I was waiting in line to pay for my chicken salad wrap and to my right was the stand of potato chips.

I enjoy potato chips, but I don't go out of my way to make them an active member of my lunchtime clique. I don't particularly like Lays or Ruffles, I'm more a fan of Cape Cod or Munchos, but every once in a while I'll get adventurous and try something new.

Friday was one of those days.

While looking through the chip stand I was asking myself, "What kind of chip do I want to try today?". All the old standbys were available; Baked Lays, Doritos, even the before-mentioned Cape Cod chips, but one bag caught my eye and made me say, "That's the chip I want to take home for lunch.".

For the record, I don't talk to myself nearly as much as that last paragraph makes it seem I do.

The chips that caught my eye were these …

"Dirty" Jalapeno Heat Potato Chips.

I chose these chips as a partner in the lunchtime adventure, alongside my chicken salad wrap, for a few reasons :

Reason #1 : The Name.

I guess I'm still the kid who stuck his hand on the hot oven burner when his Mom told him not to, mainly because I still like trying things that I've been told I shouldn't try.

My entire life I've been told not to eat things that were dirty. My family never believed in the "5 Second Rule". When a chip hit the ground, my parents became house cleanings equivalent to a tennis ball boy. They'd run in there, scoop it up, and toss it in the garbage. With those memories engrained in my head throughout my childhood, I had to try these chips, if for no other reason than the fact that they have the word "dirty" in their name.

Some guys get tattoos, some get piercings, I try potato chips with unique brand names. I guess it's my thing, and it's safe to say that the chicks dig it.

Reason #2 : The Flavor.

I'm the kind of guy who loves buying Kool-Aid because the flavors have weird names. I mean, who wants to buy boring old strawberry juice when you can buy "Swirlin' Strawberry Starfruit". I don't even know what a starfruit is, I'd venture to say it doesn't even exist, but if it's made into Kool-Aid powder form I'll give it a try.

Tthe flavor of these chips is called "Jalepeno Heat". To me, that sounds like the name of a WNBA team, it also sounds more dangerous than "BBQ". The only people who ever die eating "BBQ" chips are the kids who can't chew, but I could totally see someone going down at the hands of the extreme flavor of "Jalapeno Heat" chips.

Lets just hope that someone isn't me.

Reason #3 : The Net Weight of the bag was 2 ounces.

For as long as I can remember, I've refused to buy any chips whose Net Weight was less than 2 ounces.

Okay, that's a lie, but I desperately wanted to have 3 reasons for trying these chips; thanks for humoring me.

While a cool flavor name might get me to plunk down the money to buy the chip, the way the chip tastes is what makes me come back for more. Thus it's time to inspect what's inside the bag …

Upon first opening this bag, I'm a little disappointed. I was expecting a chip that has an intimidating name like "Jalapeno Heat" to have a cool color. Maybe a bright orange, or a torch red; a color that makes you think, "This chip is gonna' kick my ass".

These chips come in the classic "yellow" color, which is all well and good, but they damn sure better taste hot enough to justify the "Jalapeno Heat" moniker. We'll find out if they do in a few minutes.

The chips are average sized. They're smaller than Baked Lays yet larger than Fritos. To put the size of the chip in perspective, I've stood it next to Darkwing Duck …

To put the size of Darkwing Duck in perspective, I've stood him next to The Boogeyman ...

To put the size of The Boogeyman in perspective, I've stood him next to this roll of paper towels ...

Hopefully you now have a better idea of how large these chips are.

A chip doesn't need to be huge as long as it packs a wallop of flavor, that's why Cheetos are so popular.

What, did you think it was because of Chester Cheetah?

Let me get this off my chest, as this is a subject I feel very strongly about.

Chester Cheetah might look all "cool" with his sunglasses and stripes, but inside he's a depressed cat who doesn't have anyone who loves him.

He let fame go to his head in the 90's, ignoring his Mother, Father, and little sister. All they wanted to do was spend time with him.

He would spend his nights in Las Vegas with the Trix Rabbit, telling strippers the "magic things" orange cheese-covered fingers could do, while his family sat at home wondering what happened to the cat that used to look forward to games of Trivial Pursuit with the ones he loved. Thanks to his crazy lifestyle, he ruined every relationship he had with anyone who wanted to be close to him.

One might think that he'd have learned from mistakes made by cartoon advertising icons before him. The stories about Franken Berry skipping out on his Mother's 60th Birthday Party so he could go out and snort lines of Kix with Snap, Crackle, and Pop are legendary in the industry. Unfortunately, Chester didn't learn from those stories. Thanks to that he now lives alone in a cabin in Chinook, Montana, spending his days playing solitaire and pleasuring himself to pictures of the Suicide Girls. It's just sad.

So folks, if you ever become a cartoon advertising icon, don't let it ruin the relationships that really matter. The fame and fortune might be great, but a truly rich person has people who love them.

Okay, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah, chips.

Okay, all there is left to do is to give these "Jalapeno Heat" chips a taste …

Wow, these are pretty spicy. Surprisingly spicy.

I would venture to say that these are the spiciest chips I've ever eaten. They don't so much burn your mouth while you're chewing, instead they seem to give you that burning sensation in your throat upon swallowing. You know that feeling you get when you eat one of those spicy red things in a plate of Kung Pow Chicken? It's like that.

Wow.

I'm serious, these are fucking spicy.

I would venture to say that a small child who doesn't like spicy things would suffer endlessly if he ate a handful of these things. Heck, I'd venture to say that I'd suffer endlessly if I ate a handful of these things.

Wow.

I really didn't think they'd live up to the "Jalapeno Heat" moniker, to the point that I had a bunch of witty one liners in mind for when I wrote about how non-spicy these were, but now those lines will go unpublished because these chips are fucking spicy !!!

One of the other things I noticed about these chips is that there's no residue …

That photo was taken after grabbing and eating a stack of around 5 chips. As you can see by the picture, the mess on the hands is minimal. The residue seems to remain solely on the index finger with a small amount prevalent on the thumb.

Wow these chips are fucking spicy.

Anyways, the cleanliness of a chip is a huge selling point to me. I shy away from eating things like Andy Capp's Hot Fries or Doritos because no matter how much licking of my fingers I do, the residue stays on my hands. In this situation all my fingers needed were one firm lick and I was good to go.

These chips don't seem to leave that big of a mess either, which is a major plus in my book. I have no crumbs around me, nothing on my clothes or lap, they eat real well.

All in all, I would give these "Dirty" Jalapeno Heat Potato Chips a thumbs up. From the awesome name, to the average size, to the easy cleanup, these are definitely chips that I'll buy again.

So basically, if you're someone who likes spicy, and I mean fucking spicy, potato chips then this is the bag for you. If you're one of those pussies who doesn't like spicy chips, go eat something made by Utz, cause Utz is the chip that pussies eat.