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Giving Personality To Plastic Animals ... ( Originally Posted September 26th, 2006 )

by Ken Tuccio

I've always wanted to live on a farm; I don't know why, I just always have.

I think it's because the idea of waking up and telling whomever I'm living with that I have to go, "milk the cow", without using it as an analogy for masturbation, is appealing to me.

I'm a realist though, I know that the chances of me living on a farm are slim to none. I say this for a few reasons …

1) I live in Connecticut.
2) The only plant I've ever grown was a Chia Pet.
3) It seems like a lot of work.

You see, I want the farm experience, but I don't want any of the effort that goes along with it. That's an issue, but being the problem solver that I am, I found a way to solve it ...

A farm in a bag.

As a kid I used to love the farm in a bag. In my opinion, this is the way society should be; plastic wrapped and sold for .99 cents next to the bootleg Slinky in Wal*Mart.

The purpose of the farm in a bag is to recreate the farm experience for the child playing with it.

There are a couple of good things about owning a farm; you're always outdoors, you grow your own crops, but then there's my favorite part: tending to the animals. That's where this farm in a bag fails the current generation of children.

Sure, this farm in a bag has a ton of animals, but on a real farm the animals have personalities and unique quirks about them that make them entertaining to be around. Look at this pile of animals …

Do you see any personality in these animals?

The answer is no.

I know what you're thinking, a child with an imagination will come up with names and emotions for each of the animals, and during the era when I was a kid you'd be right; sadly though, kids nowadays are stupid and lazy. Todays youth like things done instantly, and also done for them. I grew up in the era of Chinese Football and spring guns made out of Bic mechanical pencils, todays kids grow up in the era of Lara Croft and XBox Live.

When I was a little kid I used to go to the dollar store and buy the generic action figures. I'd make up my own names and personalites for them, and whenever I had my "Pay Per View Events" those figures would kick the shit out of my Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, and Virgil figures; but lets be honest, everyone kicked the shit out of Virgil.

Kids nowadays don't like doing that, they want to be told a toys name, told a toys personality, and told the proper way to play with it. Toys that don't have things mapped out don't get purchased, and that's a shame.

The farm in a bag is a classic toy that needs to live on for generations, and I can't let one generation of emotionless, lazy, children spoil a toy that kids for years have loved. That being said, I'm going to do the children of America a public service; I'm going to do the work for them.

I'm going to give these animals a personality, a backstory, that way whenever Daddy comes home drunk and slurs, "HEY MARKIE IYZA BOUGHT YOU DEEZ ANIMALS IN A BAG ...", the kids will know exactly who the animals are and what to do with them.

Sure, they won't be using their imaginations, but the farm in a bag will live on through our children, and at the end of the day, isn't that our ultimate goal?

Okay, we'll start with the horses.

Meet Corpsey ...

Unfortunately, Corpsey isn't the most lively animal.

When Corpsey was just a pony he made a mistake and got mixed up with the wrong crowd. When the rest of the ponies were playing Pony Baseball and Pony Football, Corpsey was in the back of the stable experimenting with different types of fertilizer. At one point Corpsey was found convulsing on top of a bale of hay with a razorblade on the ground and lines of TruGreen ready to be snorted.

Luckily, a few years ago Corpsey saw the error of his ways and tried to get clean, but unfortunately it was too late. His years of rampant fertilizer abuse had taken its toll, and nowadays Corpsey spends his days just like you see him in the picture; on his side next to a picture of himself during happier times.

Personally I think Corpsey was doomed at birth, because with a name like Corpsey you're not going to be winning the Belmont anytime soon.

Our next horse is Roger The EMO Stallion ...

Roger is a perfect example of how fertilizer abuse doesn't just hurt you, it hurts the people around you.

Roger was a happy horse; he smiled, he galloped, he watched reruns of Men Behaving Badly and laughed at the hilarious antics of Rob Schneider, but he always had a soft spot in his heart for Corpsey.

Countless times he tried to council Corpsey, but when Corpsey started going down the wrong path, Roger just got depressed.

Now, instead of smiling and galloping, Roger walks around next to the prone body of Corpsey, head down in sadness. Whenever he's not walking next to Coprsey he sits in his stable alone, listening to My Chemical Romance and writing poems in Nightmare Before Christmas notebooks that he bought at Hot Topic.

For those of you who are wondering how a horse can both listen to music and write in a journal, I want to remind you that you're currently reading an article that is giving personality and backstories to pieces of plastic that almost resemble animals; so please, check your logic at the door.

Then there's H-Rizzle ...

H-Rizzle is the the punk of the stable, and he thinks that he's big and bad. I was the same way when I was his age. I remember listening to Shaquille O'Neill's rap album and walking down the street thinking I was Shaq Diesel; I learned the error of my ways and soon he will too.

The owner of this farm had to show H-Rizzle who's boss, that's why H-Rizzle is carrying around that yellow wagon. When he gets his attitude in check he'll take the wagon off, but until then he's stuck carrying that wagon like Shaq used to carry Penny Hardaway.

I might have to pop in Blue Chips when I'm done with this.

Anyways, H-Rizzle, who's real name is Howard by the way, is at that impressionable age when he thinks it's "cool to be bad". He's not a bad horse, he's just got bad ideas in his head, maybe he'll grow out of it and maybe he won't; only time will tell.

Next up are the pigs.

Wilmer and Valderrama ...

Pigs are great animals to have on any farm, and Wilmer and Valderrama are no different. These two guys don't bother anybody. They spend their days walking around in their own slop, eating whatever gets put in front of them, and occasionally being extremely entertaining by rolling around in the mud.

The great thing about pigs is that they're low maintenance. They don't need to be bathed, don't need to be walked, and you can throw anything in front of them and it'll get eaten. Plus, if you get bored with them, you can cook them up and have them every meal of the day.

Pigs: they're on the farm, and when you get bored with them they're what's for dinner !!!

Now onto my cows.

Shred and the Hoof Soldiers ...

See the guy with the orange patch? That's Shred, he's the leader.

The other three, they probably have names and families, but honestly noone really cares about them. They're interchangeable, Shred's where it's at.

Shred pretty much has the run of the farm. If he decides he wants to eat grass he eats grass, if he decides he wants to kick a pig in the head he kicks a pig in the head, if he asks the Hoof Soldiers to do a cover of O-Town's "Liquid Dreams" then the next thing you know those three cows are singing their spots off.

I'll be honest, if I was a little kid playing with these toys, I'd show favoritism to Shred. I think it's cause he has that "I don't care" attitude that resonates with the inner rebel inside of me; either that or I like him cause he's orange.

Yeah, I probably like him cause he's orange.

The owner of the farm makes sure that Shred always gets what he wants. He gets the best grass, the best hay, he makes sure he gets milked in the most gentle manner possible, and he even does his best to make sure he doesn't have to walk under his own power …

Take that H-Rizzle.

The farm also has a few billy goats and sheep ...

I'll be honest, kids don't want billy goats and sheep, and I don't know why this farm in a bag has them in there, they could have gotten rid of these 4 wastes of space and given us one more good horse.

I didn't give the sheep or billy goats names or personalities, because honestly they don't deserve them. They're the extras in this farm in a bag, like the actors who have a Screen Actors Guild card but spend most of their time at a shoot getting the director coffee.

The sheep are waiting to be made into coats, and the billy goats are waiting for The Chronicles of Narnia to do a nationwide carnival tour.

You might think that the area I have them penned in is simply to make sure they don't run away, but that's not the case. What you see there is my own version of a steel cage match, the only difference is that it's not made of steel, it's not a cage, and well, lets be serious, they're plastic animals.

Anyways, my thought is that they'll beat each other senseless, the stronger of the two species will kill the other, and the other species will be so damaged that the only humane thing to do is to put them out of their misery Old Yeller style.

It's a win/win situation. I get rid of two animals I don't want, and at the end of the day I also get to see Sheep vs Billy Goats in a steel cage; with the UFC taking off nowadays, that's a hot ticket.

Well, that just about does it for the classic farm in a bag. Now you can feel free to go buy your children, grandchildren, and any random kid you see on the streets, this classic toy.

The days of kids asking Santa for the new Transformers Cybertron figure are over, the days of kids topping their Christmas list with Roger the EMO Stallion are just beginning.

Just remember, the revolution started here, and it wasn't televised.