Prior to reaching F-List celebrity status on the internet via Tuccioholic, Ken Tuccio had the #1 Blog on MySpace.com.

Over a six month period Ken Tuccio's MySpace Blog was the most read blog on all of MySpace.com on over 15 different occassions, often beating out blogs from celebrities such as Kevin Smith and Zach Braff, as well as human-chihuaha hybrids such as Tila Tequila.

Ken Tuccio Retro is a supplement to Tuccioholic.com, bringing those extremely popular blogs back to the internet for everyone to read.

Enjoy the nostalgia, and if you haven't already added Ken Tuccio as a friend on MySpace, be sure to do so !!!

The Unlabeled VHS Tape ... ( Originally Posted November 8th, 2006 )

by Ken Tuccio

There was a point in time during the late 90's that I would record just about anything I watched regularly on VHS.

It started innocently enough; I was going out one Thursday night when an episode of Seinfeld was coming on, I popped in a VHS to record the episode, watched the episode at a later time, and thought "Hey, wouldn't it be cool to have all the Seinfeld episodes on VHS?".

Remember, this was before studios were releasing every season of every show ever made on DVD, so the idea of having episodes of my favorite show at my disposal was a novelty.

I began recording every episode of Seinfeld I would watch. I'm talking reruns and new episodes. If I was sitting in front of the TV when it was on, I was also popping in a VHS tape to record it. Before I knew it, I had around 15 VHS tapes of Seinfeld with 6hrs of episodes on each.

I then began recording a bunch of other shows I liked. I have VHS tapes filled with shows like Friends, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and even more obscure stuff like Wings and Men Behaving Badly.

I bet you don't even remember Men Behaving Badly do you? Well, I've got hours of Rob Schneider's comedy gold at my disposal, and it's gotten me laid many times.

Okay, it really hasn't.

Anyways, I was digging through an old bookshelf, for no real particular reason, and I came across a bunch of old VHS recordings. A lot of the previously mentioned Seinfeld tapes were in there, which didn't really surprise me, but then I found this …

An unlabeled VHS tape.

Unlabeled tapes are an oddity to me, mainly because when it comes to things such as that, I'm an organization freak.

I have a lot of VHS tapes, and none of them are unmarked. All the Seinfeld tapes I mentioned have episodes written onto a label somewhere on them, all of my older WWF and WCW VHS's have matches listed on the labels. To find a tape such as this, completely unmarked, peaks my curiosity.

The one thing that appeals to me about the tape is the brown packing tape over the "tab". For those of you who aren't as technologically advanced as some, the "tab" is a protective device used on VHS tapes to prevent them from being recorded over. Once it's broken off, the only way to re-record on the same tape again is to tape over the tab.

People who break off VHS tabs have a secret handshake too, but don't tell anyone I told you that, they might just have you killed.

The tape covering the tab on this VHS obviously means that I must have recorded on this regularly. Maybe it was a few years ago, maybe it was a lot longer, but I'm eager to find out what's on this bad boy.

Times like this make me glad I didn't throw out my VCR.

The tape is rewound, it's in my VCR, so let's get rolling ...

The first thing I see is a lot of static. At first it seems like channel flipping, but these eyeballs remain on the screen for quite some time.

Maybe this is some sort of EVP on a VHS tape, like the ones Michael Keaton dealt with in White Noise. Maybe this African American woman is trying to speak to me from the dead via my VCR. She might be trying to warn me about the perils of the future, possibly giving me a message that can save civilization as we know it.

Eh, probably not.

My honest hope is that in scouring this VHS tape, I might find some sort of gem, some old show that I used to love but completely forgot about. First and foremost however, I hope to find something even remotely viewable, because static sucks.

The static clears, as do the eyeballs …

The first thing I find is an episode of American Dreams, which is weird, because I honestly have never watched an episode of this show.

Obviously what this means is that my little brother probably grabbed this tape at some point and re-recorded over it, because he liked this show, and most other shows that sucked.

This means that the contents of this tape is probably not as old as I had hoped; it still might be, but the odds are slim. On the plus side however, I can now have the conversation with my brother that will probably go like this :

KEN : Hey, why did you record over my VHS tape?

KEN'S BROTHER : What VHS tape?

KEN : The blank one, the one without a label.

KEN'S BROTHER : I don't know what you're talking about.

KEN : Yeah, you would say that.

I'll then hang up the phone in an animated fit of rage.

I'm a fun person to have as a sibling.

I proceeded to fast forward through the episode of American Dreams. For those interested, the episode seemed to be about white girls dancing, a leaky faucet, and a guy holding a baby.

I apologize if I gave away any spoilers there.

Next up was an episode of Law & Order : Criminal Intent another show I never watched. I would assume the only reason I have this on a VHS tape is because my brother didn't stop recording when he was taping American Dreams.

My brother sucks at recording things.

I wouldn't even mention the show, but it did seem to guest star Adam Goldberg …

He's The Hebrew Hammer, I don't dare disrespect him.

After the Law & Order episode ran its course, I ran into something that made me believe the rest of this tape would be promising, a Right Guard commercial starring Scottie Pippen …

This means that this tape has to have some content from the mid-90's. Right Guard hasn't used the "Anything less, would be uncivilized …" line in at least a decade, and I can't remember the last endorsement deal Scottie Pippen had. So maybe this tape does have some promise of being a time capsule after all.

I'll be honest, it's been a while since I've seen Scottie Pippen. I'm a Knicks fan, so during the Bulls dynasty era I would curse him out almost everyday during basketball season, but it's been a while since Scottie Pippen has come into my thought process.

Looking at this picture now, I'm thoroughly convinced that since Scottie retired he took on the persona of Diddy's butler Farnsworth Bentley.

Anyways, the Right Gaurd commercial led to an episode of The Simpsons ...

This episode happens to be the one where Rod and Todd are babysat by Lisa.

I can't recall a Lisa episode of The Simpsons that I thoroughly enjoyed. I'm more of a Bart man ( no pun intended ), and definitely a Moe fan as well. Maybe it's that I'm not in touch with my feminine side, or maybe it's because I like things that are actually funny, but the Lisa episodes always bore me to death. I'll take a halfway decent episode of The Critic over a "good" Lisa episode of The Simpsons any day of the week.

For those of you who don't know, I am a huge Jon Lovitz fan.

Yes, I'm the one.

I decided to fast forward through this "hilarity" to see what else this VHS tape had to offer.

Oh, now we're talking, a commercial for Space Jam on VHS !!!

One thing's for sure, as a Knicks fan, this VHS tape is bringing back many bitter NBA memories. First Scottie Pippen, now Michael Jordan. I swear to God if the next thing I see on this VHS tape is Double Team starring Dennis Rodman and Jean-Claude Van Damme, I'm going to toss it out my window.

Space Jam; I remember when this movie got released, mainly because every radio station on the planet was playing I Believe I Can Fly on loop. God I hated that song, but the cover version by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes is pretty good.

It's a shame that this flick didn't pave the way for more Looney Toons features, because I've always been a big fan of everything Looney Toons. I don't care if it was Bugs, Daffy, or any Wile E. Coyote skit, I loved it. Heck, back when I was in grade school I was even a huge Tiny Toon Adventures fan. None of my other friends liked the show, which I never really understood.

How could people not have liked Tiny Toon Adventures?

They were tiny, they were toony, they were just a little loony, and they were constantly invading my TV. That's all I ask for in a cartoon.

After finding a Space Jam commercial I'm hopeful that this tape is going to be chock-full of mid-90's goodies. I want to find some Spice Girls videos, some commercials promoting the start of the MLS, and if I'm really lucky, an episode of Early Edition.

Early Edition is the reason that I get up every morning, look at the headlines on my newspaper, and think that I'm going to be on a quest to save someones life that day. I'll then have my cup of coffee and curse the fact that I have to go to work.

I'm not much of a life saver.

That hope and anticipation for 1990's nostalgia is suddenly killed, because the next thing I see is this …

A freaking commercial for Collateral Damage on DVD, apparently it's available everywhere this Tuesday.

This tape seriously skips around a lot. I've gone from 2003 to the mid 1990s, all the way back to what had to be around 2002, and there's not a lot of tape left.

Next up was what appeared to be an MTV special called How To Live Large. Once again, why in the hell this is on this VHS tape is beyond me, but I stopped asking questions 20 minutes ago.

This seems to be a documentary style special where the cameras were interviewing these girls …

I don't know who they are, but if the title of the show is correct, they must know how to live large. Based on 1 minute of paying scrupulous attention to the details of this show, it seems to be about what girls look for in "a player".

These girls are spouting out pearls of wisdom such as, "Hey honey, you ain't a player", and "He can't get with this", while constantly saying that this guy …

… has no game.

That dude might not have game, but he's definitely got the Dick Tracy look down. I didn't know people actually went out in public rocking the tan overcoat and the "PRESS" hat.

Basically the gist of this special seemed to be that some people aren't players, some people are players, and those three girls only get with players.

If you want more details on the show, I'm pretty sure you can find any one of those three girls at a local strip joint somewhere in the continental United States.

With that, the VHS tape came to an end …

I'll be honest, I feel like Geraldo Rivera when he opened up Al Capone's vault.

I was filled with hope. I was greatly anticipating being knee deep in nostalgia. I wanted to reminisce with the rest of the Tuccioholics about the way it used to be, instead all I got to do was fast forward through a bunch of crummy TV shows and get I Believe I Can Fly stuck in my head.

What should I do with a tape like this?

Yeah, that works.