by Ken Tuccio

For many people, one of the worst things in the world is being single.

I assume, for those people, a fate even worse than a lifetime of loneliness is a lifetime of loneliness with herpes.

Well, the internet can’t cure herpes ( yet ) but it can aid in preventing suicide due to loneliness.

Ladies and gentlemen, STDMatch.net …

I very rarely click those banner ads that pop up after I log out of my Yahoo Mail, but when I saw a button link to a site that hooked up single folks afflicted with STD’s, my interest was peaked.

I clicked the link for two reasons; I was curious what the site offered, and I also wanted to see if any of my former High School classmates were scouring the internet for a busty blonde with syphilis.

The concept of STDMatch.net is rather simple; it’s a dating site for people who are currently afflicted with STD’s. I assume the goal of this site is to eliminate the awkward conversations that regularly take place after your first date at Olive Garden :

“So, did you like the Never Ending Pasta Bowl?”

“Yes, and I have hepatitis.”

Fortunately, I don’t have an STD, so I can’t speak first-hand about what it’s like to to date with a no-fly zone around your genitals; but I assume it’s a harrowing ordeal.

In browsing through the various pages on this site, I’ve noticed that these individuals don’t seem ashamed of their STD; actually, based on the graphic on this page, it seems they take great pride in their sexually transmitted disease …

Not only do those people look as if they’re unashamed that they have herpes, they also look as if they’re auditioning to be housemates for the next season of Big Brother, tentatively titled Big Brother 11 : Quarantined.

STDMatch.net not only provides dating help for those afflicted with STD’s, they also provide an online forum, so that people currently suffering from crotch-rot can create cool avatars and talk about current events in online threads.

The forums on STDMatch.net cover a wide range of topics. You’ve got forums about having sex with certain STD’s, forums about education in regards to certain STD’s, and also a forum for “Funny jokes and antecdotes” …

I guess, if you’ve got an STD, it’s good to have a sense of humor. Plus, STD related jokes are funny; like this one that I just made up :

Why did the lady at the bus stop cross the road?

Because the guy next to her had herpes.

I’m the Fozzy Bear of sexually transmitted jokes.

Obviously, I wouldn’t be able to properly mock this site without signing up for my own fake account, so I made an attempt to do so. Much to my surprise, my chosen username of “BobSaget” was already taken …

I can now assume that Danny Tanner caught something from Kimmy Gibler, which doesn’t really shock me, since she struck me as a slut.

Anyways, I ended up plowing through the registration process and getting access to the personals …

The setup for the site is similar to what you’d find on Match.com, or any other online dating site. You have women talking about their cleavage, posing in very unnatural ways, and coming up with uncreative usernames. The only difference between this site and other online dating sites is the open admission of the users to having genital warts.

On most sites that’s a turn off, but on STDMatch.net it’s just as important as your favorite movies.

You’ve got the regular array of profiles on the site. There are girls like “Redgirl7247”, who are curious if she’s the girl you’re looking for …

Girls like “Basper”, who are “Searching for that special someone” …

And, of course, guys like “KickMeHard” who feel it necessary to fill the internet with camera-phone shot images of them shirtless …

That’s right ladies; he’s single, and he’s got human papillomavirus.

To be fair, I’m sure this site is a very useful tool for single-folk who are currently suffering with the stigma that goes along with an STD, but for those of us who are heartless, sarcastic, pricks that like to poke fun at individuals with incurable sexually transmitted diseases, this is Comedy Central.

While it’s nice that there’s an outlet for people to find a soul mate who suffers from the same affliction they do, it’s also rather fun to be able to know that if I ever see this guy at the mall …

I’ll know that he’s not only a tool, but he’s also suffering from Chlamydia.