by Ken Tuccio

Horny, puberty ridden, 14 year old boys across the country regularly spend their Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and occasional Sunday nights masturbating to the images of the WWE Divas.

For years the women of the WWE have been seen as the premiere collection of wrestlers with vaginas in the world, and that’s mainly because of the exposure that they get. The WWE Divas are regularly featured in magazines and on posters, they’ve guest starred on various sitcoms and dramas, and if you scour the shelves of Toys R Us you’ll find more than a few slutty action figure versions of them.

While many believe that the WWE Divas have cornered the market in terms of females in professional wrestling, there is another group of women who are looking to snatch (no pun intended) that crown away; those women are known as the TNA Knockouts.

TNA is currently the #2 wrestling organization in the United States. Having been around for roughly 6 years, TNA has grown from a small company that ran shows in a fairground in Nashville to a national wrestling organization with toys, DVDs, and a weekly television show on Spike TV.

The Knockouts are TNA’s equivalent of the WWE Divas. These are the chicks that TNA turns to when they’re looking to elicit an erection from a teenage boy still looking to find themselves.

Sadly, because TNA is not as well known in the mainstream world as the WWE is, the TNA Knockouts are not as recognizable as their Connecticut based counterparts. Therefore, I decided to do what I can to change this, by giving each and every one of you a small introduction to the Knockouts of TNA.

Some may consider this a waste of internet space, but I consider it a public service.

We'll start with the most recognized Knockout from TNA, former Playboy cover girl, Christy Hemme …

Christy Hemme is an extremely shy woman, as has been proven by the various media appearances she has made, such as the time she appeared on Howard Stern and voluntarily dressed as a school girl and allowed herself to be spanked repeatedly.

Christy currently manages the tag team of Jimmy Rave and Lance Rock, more affectionately known as The Rock and Rave Infection. I would post a picture of that tag team, but they’re not that important. Plus, you’ll most likely get to see them in person in 5 years when they bag your groceries at your local supermarket.

Christy Hemme is known for being the “rocker chick”, and she proves this by doing photoshoots brandishing a guitar ...

Whether or not she actually knows how to play the instrument is still up for debate, but as Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, and many other females in the music industry have proven over the years; an ability to play a musical instrument is secondary to being able to shake your ass in the general direction of anyone with a penis.

While Christy Hemme can best be described as a “fan favorite”, TNA does have two Knockouts who are hated by the majority of the audience. Collectively these women are known as The Beautiful People, and they consist of two ladies who elicit riotous boos from the crowd whenever they strut down the aisle.

The first of these women is Velvet Sky …

The first thing anyone thinks of when looking at Velvet Sky is, “Boy, she looks like she’d be sticky to touch.”, while I can’t tell you first hand if that’s the case, I will agree with you in saying that she looks like her backup career plan is giving lapdances to horny guys named Lester at a strip club somewhere in New York City.

Velvet Sky offers a lot to the world of TNA, as she’s mastered the ability of wearing fishnets with almost every outfit, and she can also shake her ass in a manner that would make Anna Nicole Smith roll over in her grave. Velvet Sky often tries to speak as well, which is normally an uncomfortable experience, since she regularly misprounounces words all while speaking at a rate of speed that’s the equivalent of Cleveland from Family Guy.

Her partner in The Beautiful People is Angelina Love …

While Angelina Love may look like she’s over the age of 45, she’s actually in her late 20’s, and is the poster child for what countless hours in a tanning bed can do to your skin.

One of the most noticeable attributes of Angelina is the fact that her skin looks like an overcooked Thanksgiving turkey. Starving people in Somalia would most likely look at the arms and face of Angelina and think that she’s been cooked up to cure their hunger, but sadly that’s actually her complexion.

Angelina Love is the defacto leader of The Beautiful People, and that’s not because she has any genuine leadership qualities that people admire, it’s moreso because her partner is Velvet Sky, and Velvet thinks leadership is spelt with a “K”.

The Beautful People are all about raising the ire of the TNA fans, but Jacqueline is all about fighting …

Arguably one of the toughest women in the history of professional wrestling, Jacqueline has competed in the WWE, WCW, and countless other organizations across the world.

I would write something funny and witty about Jacqueline, but quite frankly she scares me. I have this innate fear that if I mock her in any way she’d come to my house and kill my dog; a rather bothersome thing to think about, especially since I don’t own a puppy.

While Jacqueline is unique because of her toughness, Rhaka Khan is unique due to the fact that she looks as if she should be participating in a Cirque De Soleil show …

Rhaka Khan is one of those women who is probably very attractive if dressed casually, but she opts to dress like a pre-op transsexual any chance she gets.

Rhaka regularly walks around in as little clothes as possible, wearing outfits that are not available in any stores that I’ve ever shopped at.

Not that I regularly shop for slutty womens clothing.

Seriously, I don’t.

Anyways, Rhaka Khan is known as the "freak" of TNA, and she also has the unique distinction of being the only TNA Knockout with a last name that was once screamed by William Shatner.

Then there’s So Cal Val …

So Cal Val’s personality is meant to grate at mainstream America, as she’s a West Coast, Paris Hilton-esque socialite.

So Cal Val spent the first few years of her TNA career as the ring girl, meaning that she stood at ringside dressed in slutty outfits and her main responsibility was carrying the ring robes of the various wrestlers to the back. Since then she’s become a fixture on TNA television, but this was not her first foray into the world of professional wrestling.

Val has quite the wrestling resume on the internet, as there are videos available throughout the world wide web that feature this red headed Knockout doing things that set the womens rights movement back 20 years. Some of the most popular So Cal Val videos are of her being walked around the ring on a leash, kissing the feet of other women, and on one occasion placing her lips on the ass of an opposing wrestler.

Obviously those credentials were too much for TNA to pass up, and as such Val has become a TNA mainstay, inspiring young girls the world over to gain fame and fortune through embarrassing, degrading means.

One of the newest TNA Knockouts is Taylor Wilde …

Taylor has the face of a woman who should be competing in the Special Olympics, and she also has a hairline that seems to be running away from her forehead.

Taylor Wilde is the epitome of what we men call a “butterface”, and the reason behind that is obvious by looking at the above photo. While she may have a solid body, and a unique sense of style, she’s not the greatest thing to look at when waking up in the morning.

Finally there’s Lauren Brooke …

Lauren Brooke is the on-air interviewer for TNA, meaning that she holds the mic and looks pretty while muscled up men in tights scream in her ear. She’s the latest in a long line of wrestling interviewers, following the path of legends like Mean Gene Okerlund, Gordon Solie, and Tony Schiavone.

Lauren does have the distinction of being one of the first wresling interviewers to look good in a bikini, an honor most previously held by Mean Gene Okerlund when he released his 1998 swimsuit calendar …

Lauren looks a lot like Jenny McCarthy during her Singled Out days, only she doesn’t regularly fart on camera or smell like a bad seafood restaurant. Regardless, she can hold a microphone and nod her head up and down with the best of them.

So there you have it, the TNA Knockouts; TNA’s equivalent to the slutty Divas of the WWE. Now, when you’re flipping through the channels on a Thursday night and see one of these ladies on your television screen, you’ll have some semblance of an idea as to who they are and what they do.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, there is technically one more Knockout; Traci Brooks …

I failed to mention her though, because quite frankly I’m not 100% certain she’s actually a woman.

Seriously, she looks like Ben Affleck in drag.