by Ken Tuccio

For whatever reason, I’ve never been a big fan of the 3 ¾ in Star Wars figures.

I know some figure collectors may see that as a blasphemous statement to make, but I’ve honestly never dug them. I really wish I could give you a list of reasons why I feel that way, but I can’t; they were simply never my thing.

To the best of my memory, I’ve only bought one of those types of Star Wars figures in my lifetime; Darth Maul. The only reason I bought him is because he came with a double bladed lightsaber, and in the year 2000 I thought owning an action figure with that type of feature would up my cool factor a few points.

Anyways, I finally bought another Star Wars figure …

This bad boy is the brand new Yoda figure from the Star Wars : Clone Wars animated movie, which hits theaters this summer.

Like I said, I never buy these types of Star Wars figures, but I always check them out. I’m always amazed at how many there are, and how crazy people go to collect them.

During said browsing, this figure popped out to me, and it did so for one specific reason; how creepy Yoda looks …

I’m a big fan of Yoda; always have been. I think he’s a cool green dude, and if he ever called me to go to the bar for a drink, I’d definitely go. Well, unless I was hanging with Lando Calrissian, because he might construe my leaving him as racist.

I think Yoda’s an awesome character, but this figure of him is disgustingly disturbing.

I understand that this is a version of Yoda from the Clone Wars movie, so this figure is based off a CGI Yoda and not the famous puppet, but still that doesn’t mean I can underemphasize his creepiness.

First things first, the dudes eyes …

This figures eyes look like a mix between a perverted old man, and a dude who’s always surprised. Don’t get me wrong, Yoda’s never had the baby blues of yours truly, but he’s always had those laid back, stoner eyes going for him. You always thought Yoda was going to take a nap, or invite you to Dagobah so you can experience the effects of Jedi weed.

This Yoda looks like he wants to take baby Luke and baby Leah inside his little home so he can give them “special candy” and teach them to play with his lightsaber. He’s creepy in every sense of the word, and I’m afraid he’s going to molest my Candice Michelle figure if he gets the chance.

The second point of creepiness is Yoda’s size.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand Yoda isn’t a 6’7 Jedi, but in this situation his small stature adds to his creepiness. Compared to another fictional green character, he looks like a small child …

In a battle between the two, I’d still Put my money on Yoda, but that’s more to do with the fact that he has a lightsaber than anything else.

Creepiness aside, this figure does have a lot of cool stuff going for it, for example, it comes with "Firing Force Blast" …

Basically, Yoda can shoot a blue streak in your face.

It’s sort of like what Papa Smurf did to Smurfette in that Smurf porn that they never discuss in the Smurf Village.

That was far too much Smurf for one sentence.

All in all, I’m glad I snagged this figure. It’s unique enough where I feel like I’m rebelling against society, and mainstream enough where I feel like I’m part of the in crowd. In short, this figure allows me to cross social boundaries.

Yoda has that effect on things.